One morning I walked into school and my eyes went straight to what wasn’t ready.
One area wasn’t set up yet. A teacher was still preparing her materials. A plant needed some care. The fairy lights weren’t on, and the background music was so quiet you could hardly hear it.
Within a few seconds, I had a list in my head.
But there were dozens of things happening that were good. Children and teachers were talking and laughing together. Our admin team was chatting with parents at the door. Teachers were welcoming children into their classrooms. There were happy voices and smiles everywhere.
None of that made it onto my list. My mind skipped past it because nothing was wrong.
This is what we do with our children too
I’ve been teaching for 26 years, and I still do this. Most of us do.
When a child is loud, grabbing or dawdling, we notice instantly. We speak and we step closer. When a child is quietly sitting well, waiting their turn or tidying up, it passes without a word.
It isn’t because we don’t care. Mornings are busy, and the loud moments pull at us. But children learn from where our attention goes. If the only moments we react to are the tricky ones, those are the moments they learn will get a response.
A simple fix I learned from Lani Lawson
I came across this idea from Lani Lawson, a BCBA and teacher, and it reminded me of what I needed to do. Her challenge is to give 30 specific praises in the first hour of the day.
Each praise has three parts:
- Use their name, so it’s clearly meant for them.
- Describe exactly what you saw.
- Choose the habit you want to grow, something you’d love to see again tomorrow.
Why describing works better than cheering
“Good job!” feels nice, but a young child can’t tell what earned it. When you say what you saw, they learn exactly what to do again. They also feel noticed, which matters most of all.
Here’s what I notice, and what I can do better
At home, I already notice quiet good moments. But when I look at Lani’s three parts, I’m often missing the last one.
What I say now (name + moment):
- “Ash, you washed the dishes earlier.”
- “Ash, you checked on Groover before you left.”
- “Ash, you turned off all the lights.”
What I can do better (add the habit I want to grow):
- “Ash, you washed the dishes earlier. That helps us finish our chores.”
- “Ash, you checked on Groover before you left. You’re taking charge.”
- “Ash, you turned off all the lights on your way out. That’s being responsible.”
The first version tells her I noticed. The second tells her what it says about her, and that’s what she’ll want to repeat tomorrow.
It works on grown-ups too
I realised I do the same with my husband.
This week he started doing the after-school pick-ups. He knew I had a lot going on, and he stepped in without being asked, so I can settle my work.
A new habit is easy to let slide by without a word. I don’t want that to happen, so I’m practising all three parts:
- His name: “Babe,”
- What I saw: “you’ve done the pick-ups this week, and you didn’t wait for me to ask.”
- The habit I want to see again: “You saw I had a lot on and stepped in. That’s how you look after us.”
So often we forget the why and focus only on the what. Refreshers like this keep me grounded.
Try it tomorrow
You don’t need 30. Start with five before the school run, while the morning is still calm. Say it out loud, use their name and be specific. Some mornings you’ll forget, and that’s fine. Begin again the next day.
I’m going to try this with Ash today. Once I have, I’ll share how it went in a follow-up.
Thank you, Lani Lawson, for the reminder.
